Water House

Jasper Gerard, Daily Telegraph
Rating: 4/10
Somewhat à la Gill, but not quite as self-centredly, the Telegraph’s new man seems to have decided to kick of his reviews with witty musings. His subject today is restaurant critics, and, as one such, he thinks he should feel guilty about giving a pasting to the “world’s first carbon-neutral restaurant”. At least one dish, however, is “not so much pedestrian as stationary”.

Jay Rayner, The Observer
“What makes Waterhouse so impressive - I would even say important - is that all the other virtuous stuff underpinning this chocolate tart, the saving-the-planet stuff, is allowed to sit quietly in the background behind the quality of the food. Nobody should ever go to Waterhouse because they want to feel good about themselves. They should go because they want something to eat. Feeling good about yourself is a by-product.” The Observer’s man’s conclusion on this Shoredtich eco-restaurant is pretty much the reverse of Jasper Gerrard’s (and, it would have to be said, that of pretty much all other critics to date).


L’Absinthe

Joe Jospeh, The Times
Naturally, in a review of a straightorward Gallic bistro in Primrose Hill, the critic begins with protracted musings on the similarities between Swiss and Mexican cuisine – both “wed to carbohydrates”, apparently – and the effects of this on the Swiss economy. Eventually moving on to the subject of the day’s review, the critic sagely (and, in our view, correctly) notes that: “it is only when you come across a place like L’Absinthe that you appreciate how rare proper bistros are in this country”. “Pretty much everything about this restaurant is deliciously alien to London dining. L’Absinthe is not part of a chain. You want to eat pretty much every dish on the menu. Most main courses are under a tenner. A good range of wines is sold at shop prices plus corkage. The staff look like they are enjoying serving you. And – are you ready? – they don’t churn tables”.


Bord'Eaux, Grosvenor House Hotel

John Walsh, The Independent
Rating: 2/5 stars for food
The critic notes that, despite having the “fittings and contents” of a genuine French brasserie, the “huge, high-ceilinged room” of the Park Lane hotel’s new brasserie is “rather bleak and glum”. And here – compare Joe Joseph’s review of L’Abisinthe – it is a matter of complaint that the array of dishes on offer “could have found this array of dishes in any French town in the 1970s, or 1960s or, indeed, 1950s” – “[d]uck confit and croque-monsieur are all very well, but sacré bleu, this is a five-star hotel, not a Relais Routier truckstop”. “I suspect they need some tougher management, to give the place some zing and rein in the chef's ideas a little”, says the critic. “And they might want to re-think the apostrophe. Sorry, apos’trophe.”


Harrow at Little Bedwyn

Rod Liddle, Sunday Times
Rating: 4/5 stars
Rather confusingly, the critic begins – for reasons which are not entirely clear – by reviewing a pub called the Bell in Ramsbury, Wiltshire, where “there’s a fairly short but imaginative menu, extremely well cooked by the young and clever chef”. Not so far away, at the supposed subject of his review, he finds “at least three dishes on the menu that are as good as anything I have ever eaten” – no small achievement, considering the place’s “USP” [unique selling proposition] is supposed to be its wines.


The Stapleton Arms, Dorset

Zoe Williams, Sunday Telegraph
Rating: 7.5/10
A ‘sub’ (-editor) neatly summarises the review as follows: “Zoe Williams is impressed, and a little overwhelmed, by the huge portions at a welcoming Dorset pub”. And indeed, in defiance of the trend of the day, the piece turns out to be a straightorward review, without any added musings.


The Walnut Tree

Matthew Norman, The Guardian
Rating: 9.75/10
A “very slightly slanting table” – that’s all the critic can find to fault at Shaun Hill’s relaunch of this famous Monmouthshire restaurant. “From the divine bread rolls at the start to the dinky macaroons at the end, [this was] one of those meals that has you scrambling around looking for quarter-points to dock from the score on account of such serious failings as imperfectly planed wooden furniture”.